Life-Changing Power of Self-Love

An Essential Guide

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ARTICLE BY ANN HUTCHINSON - THE PRESS DEMOCRAT - NOVEMBER 9, 2023

In the United States, when most people talk about preparing for death, they use euphemisms and talk about practicalities. Oftentimes those practicalities look like organizing assets, medical intervention preferences, a will and burial services.

Death remains an uncomfortable subject. And yet, we all die, as surely as we all are born.

In Sonoma County, individuals and organizations are elevating the conversation to support the dying and their families in unique ways. They treat the soul transitioning from Earth as a sacred time to be honored and witnessed. During this season of gratitude, two local women share their stories of helping families embrace the sacred experience of dying.

Much like a birth doula helps support a pregnant mother and her family around the birth process, end-of-life doulas, or death doulas, help to support a person who’s dying and their family navigate and savor the final months, weeks or days of life.

According to a 2023 Boston University School of Public Health’s Public Health Post on death doulas, 91.4% of the end- of-life doulas surveyed are female. Most have another job and do their end-of-life doula work on a volunteer-basis with organizations. Death doulas are not hospice workers or medical providers.

Typical end-of-life doula services include emotional and grief support, documentation and preplanning. They also support the family and health care team, share compassionate ending options and offer guidance for caring for the body after death.

“What you’re really doing is tending to the whole family system,” said Sebastopol resident and end-of-life doula, Michelle Vesser.

Sonoma County has a handful of end-of-life doula services including the Sonoma County End of Life Doula Alliance, Autumn of Life Planning and Final Passages.

Understanding life, death differently

In the 1980s, Vesser was in Cofcaville, a village on the island of Luzon in the Philippines, working in the Peace Corps. During her time on the island, Vesser’s friend, Flor, died.

“She (her body) was there lying in the room and they welcomed me. I stayed for a day or two. What was amazing was her being there,” she said. “The women were in the kitchen, cooking, then would come to the bedside and keen and cry and be with her.”The men of the community gathered outside. They cut down a tree, told stories all night and made the casket for Flor.

“Death is not an emergency.” Michelle Vesser

“It was so community-based, family-based. We were there. We were taking care of the mother and the siblings,” she said.

Michelle Vesser, an end-of-life doula, at her Sebastopol home demonstrating how she prepares for a home funeral ceremony. Photo taken Wednesday, Oct. 25, 2023. (Erik Castro / For The Press Democrat)

As part of the Filipino tradition, Flor’s body was in the family home for several days as more family members stopped by to pay their respects. Later, they all walked in procession to bring her into town for her funeral. Six months later there was a celebration honoring Flor, in which everyone came together and a huge feast was prepared.

Vesser was amazed to discover that in Filipino tradition, they have pictures of their dead relatives’ bodies in family albums, too. One day, while still in the Philippines, she came upon a group beginning a funeral procession for a Filipino women she knew, and someone called out to her.

“Wait … it’s Michelle. She has a camera,” she recalled.

They opened the casket and asked her take pictures of the deceased, while the group was smiling, happy and showing their gratitude.

Vesser described her experiences around death in the Philippines as very profound and life-changing.

She contrasted them with her a traumatic experience at 17, when a close family friend died at 23. The body of the relative was quickly whisked away to the mortuary for embalming. She added that after that process, her loved one didn’t even look like himself.

Learning to become a doula

Vesser began studying Tibetan Buddhism in 2004. And in 2014, she was taught Phowa, the transference of the consciousness at the time of death, and Zhitro, which is a 49-day practice after death.

She now guides people who are dying, using the Tibetan view, on what to expect and what they’re seeing, so they don’t have to be afraid and have more information about the dying process. She always works with the families traditions and wishes.

 Vesser usually has one or two ongoing clients for her end-of life doula work in addition to grief clients.

Some of the services she provides as an end-of-life doula includes helping with legacy projects, writing letters, and respite care for caregivers. She advices and guides families through of  dying and death process, and after death care. The services she offers are on a case-by-case basis.

Vesser found Final Passages in Sebastopol and studied to become an end-of-life doula and home funeral guide, under teacher, Jerrigrace Lyons, who taught her practical tools of compassion, emotional support and ways to honor the sacredness of that end-of-life stage. Vesser continues to hold onto Lyons’ motto, “death is not an emergency,” meaning you can take time with your loved one and don’t have to call the funeral home right away.

One of Vesser’s most cherished memories as an end-of-life doula was when her friend was going into cognitive decline and was looking for ways to die on their own terms.

Based on their underlying condition, her friend qualified for Medical Aid in Dying, which is when a doctor provides a prescription for a lethal dose of a drug at the request of an adult patient who has a terminal illness. This helps the patient end their life. Medical Aid in Dying is legal in California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Montana, New Mexico, Colorado, Vermont, Maine, New Jersey and Washington, D.C.

He was able to die peacefully in his own home, surrounded by the love. There was a sacredness to his passing that allowed him and his wife to have time, care, and connection at the time of his death.